MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local man’s quick trip to buy a single shelf turned into an eight-hour survival adventure after he became hopelessly lost inside an IKEA store, ultimately sustaining himself on Swedish meatballs and sheer determination.

According to witnesses, 34-year-old Brian Harper entered the furniture superstore at approximately 11:15 a.m., intending to purchase a “simple little bookshelf.” However, things took a turn when Harper, following the store’s winding layout, made a wrong turn near the home office section and found himself completely disoriented.

“I just needed one thing. One thing,” Harper said in an interview following his ordeal. “But suddenly, I was in a maze of minimalist desks and impossible-to-pronounce coffee tables. I saw a sign pointing toward the exit, but then it pointed back in the other direction. I knew right then—I was in trouble.”

A Test of Human Endurance

Harper quickly realized he had no idea how to escape. Efforts to retrace his steps led him in circles, past the same bright yellow couch “at least seven times.”

“It was like IKEA had changed while I was inside,” he explained. “One minute, I was near the bedframes. The next, I was in an entire living room display. I started to question reality.”

As time passed, Harper’s phone battery dwindled. He attempted to ask an employee for directions, but they simply smiled and told him to “follow the arrows.”

“I TRIED,” Harper said, exasperated. “The arrows betrayed me.”

Meatballs: A Lifeline

Fearing he might never find his way out, Harper turned to the only source of sustenance available—the IKEA cafeteria.

“At first, I was just going to get a drink and regroup,” Harper admitted. “But then I saw those Swedish meatballs. I thought, ‘If this is how I go out, at least I’ll go out full.’”

Harper reportedly consumed three full plates of meatballs over the course of the afternoon. “By plate number two, I accepted my fate,” he said. “By plate three, I had fully embraced the IKEA way of life.”

The Great Escape

After eight hours of wandering, Harper was finally rescued when a concerned employee noticed him “looking slightly feral” near the faux kitchens.

“I was curled up on a showroom couch, whispering ‘Malm, Kallax, Fjällbo’ to myself,” Harper admitted. “I don’t even know what those words mean.”

The employee, sensing Harper had reached his limit, led him to an emergency shortcut that took him directly to the checkout area.

Harper, dazed but victorious, finally purchased his bookshelf, though he admitted, “I don’t even want it anymore.”

Moving Forward

Harper says he will not be returning to IKEA anytime soon and is currently recovering at home, where he still finds himself occasionally muttering Swedish furniture names in his sleep.

Meanwhile, IKEA management has refused to comment on claims that the store is “an inescapable labyrinth designed to trap weak-willed shoppers.”

However, they did confirm one thing: “The meatballs will always be here for you.”