PITTSBURGH, PA – A local man has found himself locked in an escalating battle of wits with a particularly bold squirrel after the tiny thief stole his Amazon package straight off his porch.
Doug Patterson, 42, had been expecting a delivery of protein bars when his doorbell camera captured the shocking crime. The footage showed the squirrel casually approaching the package, inspecting it, and then—against all logic—dragging it off the porch and into a nearby tree.
“I thought porch pirates were bad,” Patterson said. “But now we’ve got porch squirrels? This is a new low.”
At first, Patterson assumed the squirrel would lose interest once it realized the package didn’t contain nuts. However, later that evening, he spotted the same squirrel sitting on his fence, shamelessly nibbling on one of his protein bars.
“It was looking straight at me while chewing,” Patterson recalled. “Like it wanted me to know who was in charge.”
Determined not to be bested by a rodent, Patterson set out on a mission to retrieve his stolen goods. Armed with a broom and a bag of peanuts as a distraction, he approached the tree where the package had been dragged.
“I tried reasoning with it first,” Patterson admitted. “I said, ‘Hey buddy, let’s make a deal. I’ll give you some peanuts, you give me my protein bars.’”
The squirrel responded by throwing half a granola bar at his head.
“That’s when I knew this was war.”
Patterson then devised a plan. He placed a decoy Amazon box filled with cotton balls on his porch, hoping to confuse the squirrel. The next morning, the box was gone. The squirrel had, once again, outsmarted him.
Frustrated but undeterred, Patterson built a small barricade around his porch using upside-down laundry baskets. “I thought, ‘There’s no way a squirrel is getting through this,’” he said.
The squirrel chewed through the barricade in under an hour.
Neighbors have since gotten involved in the feud, placing bets on who will win: “Doug” or “The Squirrel.” So far, the squirrel is the heavy favorite.
“I offered to help, but honestly, I think the squirrel is just built different,” said neighbor Jerry Willis.
Patterson has now resorted to the most desperate measure of all—leaving notes for his Amazon delivery drivers requesting they hide his packages “somewhere a squirrel would never think to look.”
As of today, the squirrel remains undefeated.
“Honestly, I have to respect the hustle,” Patterson admitted. “But if it takes my new phone charger, I’m moving.”