CHICAGO—Police say a local man’s attempt at crime this week lasted approximately seven minutes, three bad decisions, and one moment of deep personal reflection that reportedly occurred while sitting on the curb waiting to be arrested.
Authorities declined to release the suspect’s name, mostly out of mercy, but confirmed he will now be known to the public as “that guy.”
According to police reports, surveillance footage, eyewitness accounts, and the laws of common sense, the incident began when the man—described as “confident for no reason”—decided to commit a crime in broad daylight, in downtown Chicago, surrounded by cameras, people, and his own better judgment, which he ignored.
The plan, if it can be called that, involved robbing a small business that already had a sign reading “Smile, You’re on Camera.” Investigators believe the suspect read the sign and interpreted it as encouragement.
Witnesses say the man entered the establishment, looked directly at a security camera, waved at it, and then proceeded to announce the robbery in a voice that suggested he had not practiced this part. One customer initially assumed it was performance art, which is reasonable in Chicago.
“He didn’t sound threatening,” said one witness. “He sounded like a guy asking if anyone had seen his phone.”
Things escalated quickly—or, more accurately, unraveled.
The suspect reportedly demanded cash, only to be informed by the clerk that the register was nearly empty because “it’s 2026 and everyone uses cards.” This information visibly confused the suspect, who paused to consider whether crime was still financially viable.
Rather than abort the mission, he doubled down, which is the unofficial slogan of stupid criminals everywhere.
Security footage shows him attempting to jump over the counter, failing, trying again, failing differently, and then knocking over a display of mints. At this point, the clerk asked if he was okay.
“I think he sprained his dignity,” the clerk later told reporters.
As the situation deteriorated, the suspect made the bold decision to flee—on foot—despite having arrived in a car that was still running, parked illegally, and registered in his own name.
Instead of heading for the car, he ran directly into rush-hour foot traffic, zigzagging between pedestrians who were mostly annoyed and slightly impressed by the athletic commitment to poor choices.
“I just stepped aside,” said one passerby. “Chicago teaches you not to get involved unless absolutely necessary. This felt…self-resolving.”
The chase ended two blocks later when the suspect tripped over a curb he had encountered earlier that same day. Police say he attempted to stand, reconsidered, and laid back down.
Officers arrived moments later to find the suspect sitting on the sidewalk, hands on his knees, breathing heavily, and staring at the skyline like someone who had just lost an argument with reality.
When asked why he committed the crime, the suspect reportedly said, “I thought it’d be easier.”
Police confirmed that it was not.
Further investigation revealed that the suspect had left behind a backpack at the scene containing his wallet, his phone, and a handwritten list titled “Stuff I Need to Do This Week,” which included “laundry,” “call mom,” and “figure things out.”
Criminologists later described the list as “deeply concerning but emotionally honest.”
In a final twist, authorities discovered the suspect had accidentally called 911 himself during the robbery while attempting to silence his phone. The call included audio of him whispering, “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” followed by the sound of mints hitting the floor.
The dispatcher stayed on the line, silently updating officers and, according to sources, questioning several life choices.
Chicago police released a statement reminding residents that “crime does not pay,” adding that “it also does not benefit from improvisation, panic, or ignoring multiple exits.”
Local residents reacted with the blend of humor and exhaustion the city has perfected.
“This is just Tuesday,” said one woman walking her dog. “At least nobody got hurt. Except his pride. That thing is gone forever.”
The business reopened later that day with a handwritten sign reading “Back in 10 Minutes—Crime Break.” It received more foot traffic than usual.
As for the suspect, he now faces charges, a court date, and the lifelong knowledge that dozens of strangers have seen him trip, panic, and sigh deeply on public pavement.
Experts say the case serves as a reminder that while Chicago is a large, complex city, it is also extremely good at humbling people who think they can outsmart it.
“Chicago doesn’t get mad,” said one local bartender. “It just watches you mess up and then tells everyone.”
At press time, the suspect was reportedly cooperative, remorseful, and asking if anyone could tell him where his car was parked.
Authorities said they’d be happy to show him—after processing.
Leave a Reply